Delving into Ridge stench

By Matthew Lysiak
The Brooklyn Paper

So the foul smell wafting from the Owls Head sewage treatment plant may stink, but it’s not going to kill us.

That big news was dumped on residents by the environmental consulting firm R.J. Lee Group at last Monday’s meeting of Community Board 10. But while local pols were busy hiring expensive consulting firms to tell residents what they already knew — that the smell of poop stinks but doesn’t kill — the problem remains unsolved.

Everyone who has ever traveled near the 69th Street Pier knows that stench, especially on hot summer days when the breeze is blowing inland. Some residents even surmised that any smell that bad had to be toxic.

The odor paranoia even provoked Councilman Vince Gentile (D–Bay Ridge) to pony up $13,000 in public funds to alleviate the toxic fears and hopefully assist in containing the odor.

R.J. Lee’s conclusion: that the gag-inducing stench is something we will have to live with — literally.

That’s because the study revealed that the odor can’t be completely controlled.

“The simple truth is that there is no way to completely stop the odors,” said R.J. spokesman Farrell Melnick. “Sewage just stinks.”

So, where does this leave residents of Bay Ridge? Stewing in other people’s poop, that’s where.

Owls Head ingests the poop of 758,007 Brooklyn residents, most of whom do not live in Bay Ridge (forever doing away with the conventional wisdom that whoever smelt it dealt it).

That much poop in one place has to stink, right? Wrong. Fortunately, modern science has given us another option that gets closer to the actual source of this smelly dilemma.

But it would take a big push, not to mention $17.99 plus shipping.

That’s the cost of the exciting new drug on the market known as “Whiff,” an extract from the Jerusalem artichoke and chlorophyll that its inventor claims completely deodorizes human fecal matter by changing the way intestines process the odor producing compounds found in your poop (read more at www.TakeAWhiff.com).

Of course, by now you have to see where this is going.

If Bay Ridge could somehow convince the rest of Brooklyn to take two “Whiff” pills a day, residents who live down by the shore could begin to crack their windows again.

The ideas are endless (my favorites are to dissolve “Whiff” in Brooklyn’s water supply or pass a poop-surcharge on all meats, which contain the compounds that make poop smell the worst). But any way you twist it, the existence of such a drug should forever reframe the problem of the Owls Head stench from a Bay Ridge problem, to a Brooklyn problem.

In that vain, defecators who continue to choose to let their poop stink (yes, stinky poop is now a choice), should just do the right thing and take the pills and spare Bay Ridge’s noses.

Of course, this is America, and if people want stinky poop it is their God-given right, but this columnist can see no reason why Bay Ridge’s nasal passages should be forced to continue to pay the price.

Matthew Lysiak is a writer who lives in Bay Ridge.

The Kitchen Sink
Oh the irony: Community Board 10 member (and former chairman) Craig Eaton was recognized on Monday for his perfect attendance — but Eaton wasn’t on hand to receive the kudos! …

The board also renewed the sidewalk cafe permit for Paneantico Bakery Café on Third Avenue near 91st Street. What a surprise — Paneantico’s supplied board members with free coffee, marble cake, and other snacks at the meeting! …

The Brooklyn Young Republican Club has begun an online petition drive to stop Gov. Spitzer’s controversial plan to allow illegal immigrants to obtain driver’s licenses. Opponents of the governor are encouraged to go to www.brooklynyr.com. Supporters of the governor should start their own petition drive. …

Question: which player in this year’s World Series is from Brooklyn? (Answer: The Red Sox’s Julio Lugo, who played for Fort Hamilton HS.) …

Rosemarie Russo, a longtime community activist, died on Oct. 10 after suffering a brain aneurysm at 93. Russo will be remembered as one of Bay Ridge’s founding mothers whose many civic deeds made our community what it is today. The Sink sends condolences to friends, family, and everyone else who was touched by her work. …

Fort Hamilton commander’s, Col. Tracey E. Nicholson, was awarded a New York State “Women of Distinction” medal during a ceremony on Oct. 18 at the base. Nicholson is the first female to command Fort Hamilton in its 182 years of existence and one of the first African-American females to command an installation in the United States. Talk about distinction! State Sen. Marty Golden (R–Bay Ridge) made the presentation.