Spark-filled memories

By Matthew Lysiak
The Brooklyn Paper

Sir, sir, please back away slowly from the sparkler. Haven’t you heard about the kid who burned his eye out with one of those things?

True story — I heard it from a man who knew a guy growing up who saw it happen — and now he is on a mission to spread the truth about the evil of sparklers to every man, woman and child in Brooklyn.

I first confronted the fire evangelist about a year ago as I was searching Bay Ridge for a few sparklers to give to the neighborhood kids (I’m that kind of guy, what can I say?). The fire evangelist overheard me asking the counter-girl at Associated Supermarket on Third Avenue, and he dutifully leapt into action.

“Why the hell are you looking for firecrackers?” the old man said. “You looking to get someone killed?”

I thought he must have misheard me, and I calmly explained that I wasn’t looking for any sticks of dynamite, only some kiddie sparklers.

“That is what I said, firecrackers,” the old man growled. “Are you looking to burn your child’s eye out?”

Burn my child’s eye out, with a sparkler? This guy is a freak.

Freak, perhaps, but on the right side of the law. Every store I went into, I was told the same thing: sparklers are illegal and dangerous. I began to think that maybe I was the freak. I mean, how could nine counter-girls and one cranky old man all be wrong?

But what exactly is so bad about sparklers? Everything, say our local cops.

“Sparklers are harmful and illegal,” said Officer Steve Agosta of the 62nd Precinct. “Sparklers are very dangerous. They burn hands and start major fires, so we advise that you don’t go near them.”

It isn’t even June, but Officer Agosta wants to get the word out early that she and her comrades are going to war against fireworks — and that means “zero tolerance” (even for sparklers).

This means heavy fines, or even possibly jail time, for possession of any fireworks.

At a recent 62nd Precinct Community Council meeting, a couple of officers said that if the public doesn’t get its appetite for destruction under control, the cops plan on inviting themselves to our barbeques and cuffing people who violate the prohibition.

“If you store fireworks in a private house, a small spark could ignite the flames and the whole house could go up,” said Agosta.

Exploding houses in Brooklyn? Am I being put on here?

Yes, says Bill Weimer, vice president of Phantom Fireworks, one of the largest retail sellers of incendiary devices in America. He believes the city’s laws are outdated.

“Truth is, these aren’t your father’s fireworks,” said Weimer. “Today’s fireworks are tested in 20 different ways and are safer than they ever were.”

Weimer says the vast majority of injuries come from “drunken Uncle Charlie showing off in the backyard,” but says that when used responsibly, “Fireworks are all about good-old-fashioned family fun.”

It isn’t just family fun, it is a tradition, and one that Yellow Hooker doesn’t plan on giving up any time soon. Heck, I don’t even have an Uncle Charlie!

A source pointed me in the direction of at least one guy in Bay Ridge who still sells the fiery freedom sticks, and sure enough, I found him. No, there was no shiny display case, but the goods were stashed in the back.

Of course, I protect my sources — of information and of fireworks — so I’m not going to reveal the location.

And don’t try to stop me. The risk of jail is well worth taking for a few pleasurable hours making sparkler circles in the back yard as it get dark. But for those less-adventurous souls out there still looking to celebrate Independence Day with a little boom, there remains one government-sanctioned firework alternative left in Brooklyn, according to Agosta.

You know those little white snappers that you throw at the ground and they make that pop?

“All fireworks are illegal,” Agosta repeated. “But if you are only using little snappers, that might be all right.”

Snappers “might” be all right? Have you heard of the kid who lost a toe when he stepped on two snappers at the same time? It’s true. I heard it from a guy who knew a guy …

The Kitchen Sink
Leif Ericson Day School at 1037 72nd St., where Juan Amendano died last Friday, is raising funds to aid Amendano’s family. Just stop by the school or call (718) 748-9023 for more information. …

The much ballyhooed Viking ship that was scheduled to land at Owls Head Park for this year’s Viking Festival on May 19 has, unfortunately, been lost at sea. Sources tell The Stoop that the mighty vessel’s captain was in a car accident and won’t be able to make the trip to Bay Ridge. …

Bay Ridge Cheesesteak Factory at 8407 Third Ave. is offering a 20-percent discount to union employees. …

Stop the Asian Longhorned Beetle! The scourge of the northern parts of Brooklyn may be spreading to our area. All residents are now required to call 311 to arrange a pick up time when discarding any woody debris. In this great effort to save the trees, the Parks Department has mailed out thick paper instructions. …

Spring may have just sprung, but the crowded basketball courts in Shore Road Park at 79th Street and Shore Road have been heated for some time — too bad the same can’t be said for Alex’s jump shot. Yeah, you know who I’m talkin’ about! …

Overheard last week while in line in Bagel Boy at 8002 Third Ave.: “Park Slope is full of hypocrites,” a woman said. “They pretend like they are so tolerant and evolved, but the minute some Muslims wanted to build a school there, they act like their hair is on fire.”